The Definition of Friendship Datekou Edition
by Haruhi02
Summary: Was karma trying to be witty or something by giving him six problems to deal with right after he'd switched his #6 for a #2? Identity Crisis, Reverse Daddy Issues, Aone acting weird, Wisdom Teeth Removal, Kamasaki and Moniwa thinking he needs to be comforted or something and the absolute worst thing that could ever happen to him: being stopped by age difference of all things.


**THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP [DATEKOU EDITION]**

* * *

There is exactly one measly issue barring Futakuchi's complete unconditional love to his new role in captaincy and it's the increasing guilt he feels after shouting at his cute juniors. It's not their fault— wait no, actually, it is entirely their fault. Maybe even ninety percent just Kogenegawa's fault. But even putting the blame on his Too Cute For The Boot kouhai just presses the gas pedal on his guilt trip impossibly harder. He wants to complain about the unfairness of the situation tossed surreptitiously on his shoulders, but even more than that, he desires a solution.

And ice cream. Real good authentic stress-dissolving bubblegum ice cream.

"Is this normal? Is it even normal to feel guilty about this?" Futakuchi asks, sucking his spoon clear of all frozen delight. Aone's impassivity doesn't disappoint as he doesn't answer. That's the type Aone is; the type that listens to everything Futakuchi says (and doesn't say) and only grunts, affirms or denies in all the appropriate places. And because Futakuchi is the type to pour his heart out only to find the answer himself, it usually works.

Usually. Keyword: Usually.

"I just— I just don't _get_ it." Futakuchi can't believe he's genuinely entertaining the thought of pulling his hair out. He shouldn't even have the thought in his head as much as he does lately. It would be better accommodated in the head of a single mother worrying about the future of her three douchebag sons or in the mind of some teenage girl screaming about the stupidity of fictional boys. Not that Futakuchi was any less screechy when stupid Muscles For Brain had thought the touch of a pair of lips was just a fly. Like _seriously_ , who thinks that?!

Aw, dammit. He has got to stop giving into his sister's persisting need to get him into more shoujo anime if the lines of his girly show dilemma and his kouhai predicament are blending together to the point of indiscrimination. Futakuchi really does have a problem if Kogenegawa is single-handedly forcing his mind to resort to drastic as a measure as escaping to Futakuchi's 2D realm of way too many scatterbrained protagonist and unconditional love.

More ice cream is shoved into his mouth. "Is it just me? Seriously, maybe it's just me." Admitting the problem was wholly on him wouldn't really open new paths to a miracle solution but it would explain how the problem came to exist. If Futakuchi can barely contain himself before he goes on a mental flaming about a freaking anime then maybe it is his own fault this all happened. How else did he turn into the only teenage guy in the world with children problem? He's too young to be a father dammit.

"That's not true."

At Aone's surprising break of his voluntarily taciturn character, Futakuchi realizes he may have said some of the out loud, revealing to the entire world his Kogenegawa Crisis. Well, it's actually just his best friend Aone but even that is pushing it. Though now that he's let the Somehow Kogenegawa Is My Long Lost Son And The Reverse Daddy Issues Are Driving Me Crazy cat out of the bag, he may as well also admit that— "Come on, Aone, if I can't even deal with one blockhead kouhai, how am I ever supposed to actually raise my own kids?" Futakuchi's fingers ultimately find his hair in the end as he puffs exasperatedly. "And I _like_ kids."

If anyone ever asks how sassy, obnoxious, bordering on douchebaggery Futakuchi Kenji and quiet, loyal, best person to bring home to your parents Aone Takanobu are the best of buds, Futakuchi would probably steer them towards these few but golden moments in their friendship that just made it work the way it did. Like this one, where Aone shakes his head and stares directly at Futakuchi when he says, "You'd be a good dad."

Futakuchi is, well — for the same reason he can't find any words now — speechless. Especially because Aone Takanobu does not simply comfort and give out compliments without good reason. And it's really this one single moment — this broment — that turns his whole day around and leaves him feeling so much better than he had when he'd first entered the ice cream parlor.

And to be completely fair, the wondrous teasing material Aone has unknowingly placed between his greedy hands had also played a pretty big part in flipping Futakuchi's mood upside down.

Futakuchi starts with a: "So if I'm the dad of the team," and he swears there's a millisecond worth of a halt in Aone's step as they began their trek home. However, that doesn't stop Futakuchi in the least. "Does that make you the mom, being vice and all?"

Aone does not dignify him with any sort of response, which only serves to goad Futakuchi on even more if the roughish grin threatening to split his face in half is any indication to go by.

"You've snagged yourself quite the sugar daddy, Mama Aone, if I do say so myself." There's a pause as Futakuchi's mind travels to his notorious candy stashes hidden around his home and a snicker escapes him. " _Literally_."

There's still no response from Aone though maybe the sudden increase of speed in his step should have indicated to Futakuchi how overwhelmed with regret he is at ever trying to be nice to his friend. Futakuchi does notice but he also chooses to ignore it as he matches paces with Aone.

"So Sugar Daddy-san here has a dentist appointment come Saturday, and, well, he was wondering if Mama Aone would do the honors of coming with so, you know, Sugar Daddy-san doesn't have to go through this alone. And maybe even letting poor Sugar Daddy-san hold mommy's hand so he can get through the whole process of getting his teeth yanked out _so_ much easier— Aone?"

His friend has all but disappeared from by his side and Futakuchi laughs despite himself.

* * *

Ok, so either Futakuchi's teasing did way more damage than he had initially that it would or the nearing departure of the third years for good has finally started to take its toll on Aone because something is off.

It doesn't show in Aone's plays, he's much too good to let anything hinder his concentration. However, he's even more self-consciously aloof than usual in the interactions between his teammates and it's throwing Futakuchi off. Something has to be bothering him his high fives are less forceful than usual.

It's when they both end up handling the scoreboard for the next practice match does Futakuchi asks, "Ok, what gives?"

Aone spares him a brief glance before looking back at the ongoing game. Minutes elapse and there's no answer or any physical indication of a sort of answer, which means Futakuchi's going to have to dust off his mental How To Deal With Brooding Aone guide and whip out his first tactic.

"Do you want to talk about it?" When Futakuchi has said guide he had meant more like a one page brochure with a single set of instructions:

Ask Aone what's wrong.

If met with glaring and resistance, retract question and ask at later time.

Repeat one and two until Aone caves and a solution is found.

It's a pretty shitty manual yet it never fails.

Aone grunts. Futakuchi isn't sure if it's negative or positive but he knows that it's not a glare and he continues onto the next step to rid Aone of his brooding: the guessing.

"Ok, so does it have to do with the fact that I'm still calling you Mama Aone?" Futakuchi might as well get that one out of the way.

Aone does glare at him for that one but ultimately shakes his head.

"Good, because I'm still calling you that." Futakuchi thinks a bit before he asks the next one, with it being the more touchy and sore subjects, "Does it have to do with the senpai leaving?"

Futakuchi himself is a bit iffy about that one but he's getting over it. He's not quite clear on how Aone feels about that though. He knows for sure that Aone is sad about it, but he doesn't know how much.

There's a pause, as if Aone is considering if he does have a problem with that and Futakuchi crosses his fingers and waits with bated breath for the answer.

Aone shakes his head no and Futakuchi is left both relieved and thoroughly confused. He's relieved that Aone isn't sad because Futakuchi sucks at dealing with sad people he can't cheer up with a good joke and food but he's also perplexed because what else could possibly be troubling Aone?

"Today... On the train."

Futakuchi perks up and all the Futakuchis working his mind file through his morning memories. He'd overslept today so he couldn't ride the train with Aone... Had something happened? Had someone hassled Aone?

"What about the train?" He asks, not quite on the wrong side of worried but getting there.

Futakuchi has expected some answer on the lines of a) no one had sat next to him (which is both the most plausible reason and also the simplest one to deal with. Hell, Futakuchi always sits next to his best bud whenever he has the chance) b) someone had sat next to/near Aone and started shit-talking (again, Futakuchi can easily deal with this one next time with a his own silver tongue capable of scaring the pants off anyone) or c) Aone had wanted to help someone but he'd accidentally scared them off in the process of doing so (which was a bunch of bull. Aone couldn't hurt a fly even if he wanted to. He was like a gigantic human-sized teddy bear).

Aone scans Futakuchi from the corner of his eye after adding a point to the scoreboard. He seems to find whatever he was looking for as he looks back at the ongoing game.

"There was a girl."

And Futakuchi's mind promptly explodes.

The inside of his mind is something like that Disney movie he watched last week. All the Futakuchis working different parts of his brain freeze. One Futakuchi who'd been lazing off in the corner drops his glass cup. Another Futakuchi goes full red light, hand comically hovering over a cookie jar. All of the Futakuchis stare in the direction of the one Futakuchi watching television. That particular Futakuchi, holds up his remote shakily and rewinds a few seconds back.

 _"There was a girl."_

"A _girl_?" As in a female? A member of the opposite sex? The fairer gender? The protagonist to his shoujo manga? What his little sister should be if she stopped acting like a lethargic gorilla for once in her life?

Aone doesn't seem to notice the landmine he'd just shoved Futakuchi in. "She was... very little. She was having trouble and... I helped her."

But they've never talked about girls before! Aone can't just drop this on him out of the blue! Especially... _Especially_ after he'd just watched that anime with the same exact plotline!

Oh no. Oh shit. The parallels are endless. 'Tiny girl gets saved by tough kind-heated guy.' The headcannons assault his mind like a flood. Aone saving Mysterious Girl from assault. Mutual Love at First Sight. Pining. ( _Pining_.) Mysterious Girl looking for Aone's school to thank him. Aone looking off in the distance, thoughts only of Mysterious Girl. Coincidental, plot convenient second meeting. Futakuchi being a bro and giving the two some alone time. Silence as the two battle with their hidden feelings. Mysterious Girl suddenly confessing and running away. Aone running after her. Aone confessing his feelings. Shy smiles and shier fingers.

Oh shit. His heart. Futakuchi's poor heart. Oh god. Oh god no.

 _He ships it._

He doesn't even _know_ who this girl even _is_. She could be some yakuza member or some obvious and offensive member of the choir club. But the _potential_.

This is bad. This is _really_ bad. Futakuchi has it so bad.

 _Calm down stupid!_ Think about what Aone had to help the poor girl with. He just hopes it wasn't anything too bad. Aone had been worried enough to tell him and... Futakuchi only has thoughts of the fanfiction that will write itself out. Nice going, Kenji, can't even take one for the team before going full fanboy. No wonder he's got issues.

"I don't know if she was able to do what she came here for."

"What?"

Aone seems to have finished his daily quota of words and says nothing after his explanation. Futakuchi contemplates hitting his head against the wall a few times because he can't stop thinking about shipping Aone with Mystery-chan. Both real people with flesh and blood and everything. He _ships_ them.

Yup, he totally needs to cut back on the shoujo anime.

* * *

On Saturday, Futakuchi somehow manages to convince Aone to accompany him as moral support for his dentist appointment. After all that teasing, Futakuchi had kind of been surprised Aone has still come. He's grateful though because he's going to need all the supports points he can hoard if he wants to get through this to the end. He isn't actually going to hold Aone's hand, though. That's just embarrassing.

Then the dentist whips out a big-ass needle and Futakuchi goes into Second Guessing And Sweating Mode.

"What's that for?" He asks, sounding level despite the panic starting to set in. It's not that he has trypanophobia or anything. But that is a huge needle.

The doctor whips the needle with and an antiseptic wipe as he answers, "This is just a local anesthetic to numb the area around your tooth." He urges Futakuchi to open his mouth so he can slather Futakuchi's gums with some greenish jelly substance.

Futakuchi takes one more look at the length of the needle. It shines like a katana.

Yup, Futakuchi changes his mind. He's allowing himself this one embarrassing schoolboy moment because _that is one big-ass needle_.

"Aone."

His best friend is at his side in a flash and Futakuchi holds out a hand. "Sugar Daddy-san wasn't joking about the hand-holding."

Futakuchi should know better than to joke at a time like this but ten extra flat look Aone gives him makes him feel a little less antsy. He swears the needle's just doubled in size as the dentist approaches.

He flails his hand hurriedly. "I'll stop calling you Mama Aone. I'll stop calling myself Sugar Daddy-san. I'll forget the whole thing ever happened and I'll buy all the kuri kinton you want if you just _hold my freaking hand_."

Aone concedes rather quickly after that with a soft traitorous quirk that can be called his smug simper. Futakuchi grips his friend's hand in a death grip and squeezes his eyes shut. There's some pressure and then when Futakuchi finally has the courage to open his eyes, it's all over.

How Aone can look that smug without moving any of his facial features is beyond him.

"I lied. I'll never stop calling you Mama Aone until we're old, grey and wrinkly. Then I'll start calling you Grandma."

Aone frowns.

Dentist-san decides to administrate the laughing gas next. Futakuchi knows this going to make him loony and delirious and say some really weird shit but he's pretty sure he can trust Aone not to take advantage of the situation.

A little later he finds out one must never trust the quiet ones.

* * *

Futakuchi hadn't thought much about Kamasaki and Moniwa sitting with Aone and him at lunch. Sure Kamasaki had had one hell of a shit-eating grin on his face and Moniwa kind of looked like he was about to cry proud parental tears but nothing mattered in comparison with his forced ban of candy. He's also light-headed from his pain medication and he still can't feel his face so he doesn't immediately piece his puzzle properly as to why Kamasaki and Moniwa are gracing him with their presence.

However, the sudden ting upward angle Aone has at the edge of his mouth has him very suspicious.

"So, Futakuchi." Kamasaki wraps an arm around his shoulders and the grin gets wider. Futakuchi has no idea where this is going. "Heard you were bowling your eyes our while taking our your wisdom teeth. I wonder why."

It takes about a second for it to click and when it does Futakuchi is pulled halfway between murdering Aone if what Kamasaki's imply is true and basking him with praise because he's finally learned Futakuchi's way and grew a backbone.

Just because he's sort of impressed, though, it doesn't mean Futakuchi is going to quench his revenge that easily. So he plays the ignorant card.

"No idea what you're talking about, Kamasaki-san," Futakuchi articulates, innocent smile stretched across his face. "You sure you aren't talking about yourself?"

"It's alright, Futakuchi, really." Moniwa says, placing a hand on his shoulder besides Kamasaki's arm with a warm smile. His eyes crinkle on the sides. "You don't have to hide your feelings. We saw the video."

Stop. Rewind. Play.

Video? Did Moniwa just say he saw a _video_ of this? This event Futakuchi has no memory of? Oh man, he's taught Aone well. But know Futakuchi sort of wants to kill him because he can see his shoulders shaking.

Kamasaki laughs and squeezes the arm around Futakuchi's shoulders tighter. "Ha! Yeah, that video sure made my day. Who knew you had a soft side, eh?"

To be completely fair, Futakuchi does have a soft side for certain things and not one of them involve his stupid team. Is there really video-taped evidence of him crying? Was he really that sad to be left alone with the responsibility of his sass-filled, angry bird, peanut gallery of a team without his senpai? He didn't think he was that soft for them but if he wants to turn the table and avoid the heart-to-heart talk sneaking up on him, then he can't play his full deck of innocence cards then.

He can, however; use his shoujo heroine mode.

"Kamasaki-san, Moniwa-san." To makes this as convincing and realistic as possible, Futakuchi digs deep in memory lane for every sad thing he's ever watched or read. He's got the one shot at table-flipping the situation to his advantage and is he's doing to have to remember Clannad After Story to do so then so be it.

With internal glee, the memories do manage to stir something in him, not close enough for waterworks but close. "It's true. Whatever you saw in the video is true."

He's sort of shoving his foot down his mouth here not knowing exactly what actually happened but screw that. The scenes that made him bawl like a baby flash in his mind's eyes and Futakuchi mentally whoops as the first tears start to form.

"I... I don't think I'm qualified to be captain."

Kamasaki and Moniwa are struck completely dumb and it's through sheer willpower does Futakuchi manage not to laugh. Even Aone is blinking owlishly. Futakuchi feels likes he's going to have an abdominal aneurysm already.

Kamasaki's arm drops as he leans away to get a better look at Futakuchi. "Oh shit, he's actually crying." Kamasaki then jerks toward Moniwa and gestures wildly. "Help!"

Moniwa is quick to act. His hands find Futakuchi's shaking shoulders and he squeezes. The worry which is usually housed up on his face is replaced with sternness and honesty. Moniwa urges him to look at him but Futakuchi can't do it. He's in pain here. He's dying. Moniwa is so serious and Kamasaki looks so dumb and Aone is action-less. He might die from suffocation if he keeps this up.

"Futakuchi, listen to me." Is Moniwa planning to give him a speech? How is Futakuchi even going to survive? He's already started and Futakuchi's cheeks are two balloons threatening to burst. "I know you. I've known you for a while now—" Yeah, maybe if Moniwa really did know him, he'd be able to distinguish Futakuchi's fake sobs from his failed attempts at holding back laughter. How are they even still buying this?

"—and I know for a fact that you're a really good guy who cares for others." At this point, Futakuchi is legit crying from the pain of holding back the chortles. "Being captain isn't hard. S-sure it's a lot of responsibility and sometimes you will doubt if you're really fit for the job, but you have to remember that you're not alone in this. You have the whole team on your side. They're all your teammates and friends and there's nothing wrong with asking them for help. A-and if your ever in a real bind, you can call me anytime and I'm sure even Kamachi will—"

It's safe to say that the thought of Kamasaki Yusuke being someone Moniwa suggests confiding in his problems, captaincy or otherwise, is the final blow.

Futakuchi howls with full blown-out laughter. He has an arm right around his stomach and the other one slapping his thigh as he stomps the ground repeatedly.

"Y-your _faces_! Oh m-my god! You should s-see your f- _faces_!"

Aone understands immediately and glares hotly as Futakuchi continues to guffaw his cheeks off. Moniwa and Kamasaki are blinking owls before they catch on and in a surprising reverse of rolls it's Moniwa who says, "God— _goddammit_ , Futakuchi!"

Kamasaki complements Moniwa's curse by exclaiming, "You scared the shit out of me, Futakuchi! I can't believe you actually cried!"

Kamasaki actually starts laughing along with him and Moniwa goes into Angry Mother Goose mode, reprimanding speech and all but Futakuchi can honestly not hear him over his cackles.

Aone stand up abruptly and walks away and Futakuchi is still _crying_ when he runs after him.

* * *

So maybe he deserves the extra spicy silent treatment and cold shoulder a tiny bit. His crying move might have been a little below the belt but it had totally been worth it. Given how Aone is voluntarily mute most of the time though, it's even worse when he's putting effort not to respond. When a solid week passes, Futakuchi starts to squirm and is willing to do anything to get his best friend talking to him again. Or, well, at least allowing him within a five meter radius without glaring blizzards his way. He's beginning to feel the tiniest slivers of guilt and it totally sucks.

Saturday comes around again and Futakuchi's on his way to the train stop for morning practice. Aone even purposely wakes up earlier to go without him and that really gets on Futakuchi's nerves. Ok, sure he was a bit of an asshole but even Kamasaki and Moniwa had forgiven him! Kamasaki had even laughed! It isn't fair for the two people that his act was aimed to forgive but his best friend won't even look in his direction.

He passes through the ticket gate with a sigh and trudges into the second to last train cubicle; the one he always rides with Aone. The demon Futakuchi on his left shoulder is cackling as he drives his trident powered by regret further into Futakuchi's heart. The angel Futakuchi on his other shoulder haughtily quips how he won't last another day like this.

All three Futakuchis are left a little baffled when they spot Aone in their usual spot and Futakuchi immediately slides in next to him and before he has the chance to change his mind says, "I'm sorry, ok? I took the last joke too far and I was an asshole. I'm sorry so _please_ stop ignoring me."

Aone turns to look at him with... his normal apathy. No pointy glare, no blizzard-y stoicism, no hot anger. Just his normal imperturbable self. He even appears a bit... happy.

Futakuchi doesn't get the chance to mentally throw the streamers or even be surprised at how easy this development happened before a head pops out from Aone's other side. A head of some midget girl with auburn hair pulled into two bushy ponytails and an eyebrow game to match. Plus the most triumphant look Futakuchi has ever seen on a tiny girl who doesn't even reach his collarbone sitting down.

"See, Aone-san? I told you he'd come around. This _is_ the one, if I'm not mistaken?" Aone turns and nods to her. Tiny arrogant midget somehow manages to look down her nose at Futakuchi and make him feel like a piece of gum stuck at the bottom of her shoe.

"You should think better of how you treat your friends. It's very despicable of you to play with Aone-san's feelings and make him worry about you for nothing."

Futakuchi has no idea who this brat is supposed to be and she's already mastered both the art of guilt tripping him and buttering up Aone.

His friend sends her a look before she can say anything else (which is a more a _thank you_ look than a _that's enough_ look much to Futakuchi's bitter chagrin) and the midget huffs. "Someone has to tell him off if you won't, Aone-san."

"Don't you think it's rude to insult someone you just met?" Futakuchi says snappingly. He'd think his height and age would intimidate the squirt but it does nothing except make Aone glare at _him_.

And Aone is supposed to be his best friend.

"I think I've heard enough about you from Aone-san to make us more than simple strangers," Chibi answers and then can't just stop there because apparently she hasn't teared into Futakuchi enough. "You should be grateful that you have such an amazing friend because you certainly don't deserve someone as wonderful as Aone-san."

Where did Aone even find this nerdy squirt? And how long have they known each other? This is the first time Futakuchi's ever seen her on the train and he's been riding it with Aone for the past two years. She isn't wearing a uniform so he can't get any clues from her clothes and he doesn't think it's one of Aone's relatives from the way she addresses him. Who is this chibi-fied ball of Spartan whose deemed herself captain of the Aone Takanobu Defense Squad?

"Didn't your parents teach you to be respectful to your elders?" He's not handing over that status to this kindergartner without a fight.

She humphs at him. "I don't see any adults here. All I see is a child that hasn't yet learned that crying doesn't get you anything."

Had Aone really told the whole story to this kindergarten? She can't be that old.

"Who old are you again?"

She tuts and, again, Aone glares at him. Futakuchi is close to throwing his arms up in exasperation but he's not letting this squirt take Aone from him.

"It's rude to ask a woman her age."

Futakuchi looks her up and down. Woman his ass. "You look like you're eleven."

That hits a nerve and Futakuchi is almost grinning in victory.

"I'm _fourteen_ , thank you very much."

"What's your name?"

Again, she tsks. "Aren't you being too invasive to someone you just met?"

Not only was she a ball of sass but she's also a whole chunk of hypocrisy too. "Says the squirt that started throwing jabs at first sight."

"I only spoke the truth." Then she sighs. What is with this old woman act she has going on? "If you must know, my name is Yamamoto Akane. Aone-san helped me find the right train last week when I came here to visit my grandmother."

A moment passed for all the gears suddenly click together and Futakuchi's mind goes completely blank.

 _"There was a girl."_

Yamamoto is a girl.

 _"She was very little."_

She's a tiny-ass girl.

 _"She was having trouble."_

She had trouble finding the right train last week.

 _"I helped her."_

Yamamoto had just said Aone helped her.

 _Yamamoto is Mystery-chan._

All the Futakuchi in his brain look to the one Futakuchi donned in a cheering haori with a white headband wrapped around his noggin that reads **AoTery For Life**.

Ever so slowly, that Futakuchi unwraps the headband and simply states at it as the fabric lies limply in his hands. One brave Futakuchi comes over and places an arm on his shoulder, cheering him up and ushering him this could still work. That they can get over this three year age difference in a few years.

Futakuchi will always be Aone's friend. He can make sure he won't date anyone until Yamamoto is old enough. They can make this work. They can sail this ship. It's still possible.

The Futakuchi with the headband shakes his head.

He slowly trudges to the nearest garbage can and watches as the headband gradually slips the through his fingers.

 _RIP my effin' OTP._


End file.
